Asexuality and aromantic

By Nicole Jensen (She/They), Asexual Association Denmark

Asexuality (also known as Ace) is a term for people who experience no or little sexual attraction to other people, and aromantic (also known as Aro) is a term for people who experience no or little romantic attraction to others. People, who define themselves as both, are referred to as Aroace. 

Both are spectrums/umbrella terms containing many identities according to how often or to which degree you experience attraction to others. This also means that you can be attracted to others, both sexually and romantically, and still be Ace or Aro. Furthermore, this means that you can have sex or be in a relationship, have kids, get married, and everything in between and still be Ace or Aro. This is because you can do all those things without experiencing attraction to another person/more people, but also because Ace and Aro is about the attraction and not action. ‘Attraction, not action’ is also something often talked about in those communities, as it is all about the attraction.

Not for me

This means, for me who is both Aro and Ace, that I don’t see someone and want to have sex with them and that I don’t want to be in a relationship, hold hands, or kiss someone. People are free to do as they like, but just not with me, as the thought of it doesn’t feel nice to me.

You can compare it to being a homosexual and homoromantic man; then, the thought of sex with women or having a girlfriend may be uncomfortable. That’s how I feel with everyone, no matter their gender or sex.

Many people within the asexual and aromantic communities use the ‘split attraction model’ or cross-orientation, where you distinguish between romantic and sexual attraction. You can use this model even if you are not asexual or aromantic. However, in my personal experience, it is most common in these communities.

Both romantic and sexual attraction can be quite difficult to describe as they are emotions that can be experienced in many ways. But romantic attraction is often described as having romantic feelings for another person or wanting a relationship and sharing your life with someone. Sexual attraction is often described as the emotions you have when you see someone you want to have sex with. However, these can still vary a lot from person to person.

You can define yourself as one without the other, but many people within the community define themselves as both. Some Aroace people experience a combination of the two forms of attraction, while others see them as two completely different things.

To me, they are both similar and different, especially because I don’t experience any romantic or sexual attraction to others. They still feel very different, though. An example could be when I see something in society, like a perfume ad which is quite often very sexualised. Here, I don’t get the commercial in the context of the sexualisation. It is a little different on the romantic front. When I see a movie or just people in society, I recognise romantic love and I do understand, to some degree, sharing your life with someone. However, it is difficult to completely understand the emotions.

Describing attractions

There is often talk about how romantic love feels. Both because there are those of us who don’t experience it, but also if you’re uncertain if you’ve felt it and want to know how it feels. I have often seen it described as your heart beating faster, butterflies in your stomach, thoughts racing, and many of these regarding the person/the people causing those emotions, wanting to constantly be with or be in contact with them. This, to me, is not a nice feeling. Especially when it is constant or at least a lot of the time.

It is somewhat like having sex described to me. I have tried to compare it in my mind for it to make sense. I swim a lot, also competitively. I compare that rush of happiness you allegedly experience after sex to finishing a race, which went really well, and you’re really pleased with the time. Though I have been told it’s a much greater sense of happiness experienced when having sex.

When many people find out I’m Aroace, they ask: “Isn’t it nice, not having to think about sex and love?” and yes – it is. But at the same time, my question is: how much do people think about sex and love? To me, it seems like a lot. However, Aroace people think about it too, just in a different way.